Disgrace Read online

  “That is not true,” he argued.

  I stopped sharply to give him a curious glance. “Truly?”

  “Yes, truly. Your guards are loyal to you and would miss you as their ruler. And your brothers and father, they would care if you disappeared. They are your family after all.”

  “Ha! You mean stepfather,” I corrected harshly. “And that means nothing, not when you’re the bastard son of a goddess and a demon.” I waited for him to keep arguing, but he bowed his head, appearing to give up.

  Not that Josef gave up on anything ever. It was not the demon’s style. His black horns glinted in the torchlight of the corridor as he raised his head and eyed me intently.

  “Something else on your mind?”

  “Always, sire, but I will refrain from saying it. For now.”

  “Good.” I continued to the armory, but Josef fell in step behind me. He was quiet the whole way until I opened the door and jumped at the sight of Hollis standing at the sword rack, admiring a set of dark, obsidian blades. “Josef!”

  The demon snapped his fingers, failing to appear surprised. “I knew I forgot to tell you something. Hollis is here with a message. Enjoy your hunt, sire!”

  He walked out of the room as I glared at Hollis, who merely smirked back at me.

  “Well, what’s your message this time?” I demanded, going for the bows hanging on the far wall and ignoring the amused look Hollis gave me.

  “From Ezra. Your brother wishes to visit you.”

  My hand clutched one of the bows so tightly, it nearly snapped in my grip. Ezra. Out of all my brothers, he and I got along the least. We were the same age, strange how it worked out. Gods and all that. Different fathers, same mothers, but in reality, we were twins. It was a long and complicated story, but everything about the gods was.

  Ezra regarded me with contempt. I was the bastard in his eyes, always would be. The one who stole away what should have been only his birthright, yet we’d been born together, and I changed everything when I came out bearing horns. Though we fought side by side during the war, though I helped save his life when our forces were overrun, I never received a thank you, let alone a smile. A simple wave of a hand. I was nothing more than a demi who needed to be kept in line to his eyes. Why would he want to visit me?

  “What for?”

  “That is not in the message. But he is arriving right about… now. Good evening, Prince Holden,” Hollis announced and then blinked out of sight.

  The mirror I kept in the armory shimmered, and a moment later, Ezra stepped through. He seemed startled to see me only a few feet away, and offered a small smile in greeting.

  “Brother,” he said and held out his hand for mine.

  I stared at it confused. “Are you feeling well?”

  His hand fell, and he nodded slowly. “I deserve that, I do, but I came here today to attempt and make amends.”

  “Why? After all these long years, why do you now wish to not regard me as a demi needing to be removed from your path?”

  “Do you have to be so suspicious all the time?”

  “Ezra, in all our time together, you have never once called me brother, nor offered a kind word. At least, not one that was not mocking, or filled with scorn,” I pointed out. “So yes, I feel I have every right to be suspicious of your sudden change in behavior.”

  “Right, you’re absolutely right, and I’m sorry for how I acted before. Mostly I’m sorry for how much worse I became after the war,” he confessed, and the tone of his voice sounded genuine. “I didn’t realize what happened to me until I met Irina. She’s helped me, Holden. Helped me see how much of an arrogant bastard I was.”

  I waited for him to break out in laughter, or for my other brothers to appear to see this joke play out, but Ezra held out his hand again for mine.

  “You’re serious.”

  “That I am. The war nearly destroyed us, but we survived, and I for one would like to start this next chapter of my life with my brothers by my side. Not hating me, or me hating them. We are twins, closer than our other brothers, despite our difference in father. I wish for us to have this chance to start over.” He waited patiently, though I drew it out, seeing if he would fold.

  When he did not, I hesitantly took his hand, and he held it firmly. “I certainly did not expect this today.”

  “No, no I’m sure you did not.”

  I pulled my hand back and returned to picking out a bow for hunting. He stayed with me, admiring my fine collection of hunting spears on the wall. I ground my teeth, half wanting to be left alone again and half curious to see this new side of Ezra I never imagined existing. It was true before the war he tended to simply ignore me. Afterward was when he began to despise me outright in the open. Irina had saved him from himself it seemed. Could my own princess do the same for me? I sneered at the notion, wondering why I would bother even getting my hopes up. No goddess would ever be happy here with me.

  “I didn’t see you at the wedding,” he said, removing a spear, hefting it.

  “I remained outside with the hounds. Better that way.”

  “Better for father or better for you?” he questioned with a knowing look. “Holden, I know you care for your hounds like they’re your family, but you need some form of social interaction.”

  “I speak with Josef,” I said with a shrug. “That is enough for me.”

  “Yes, and when this princess comes to live with you?”

  My hand paused on the bow I was about to take from the wall. “I don’t plan on worrying about such issues until I have to.”

  “Father is going to want it to happen sooner rather than later you know.”

  “He said a year. And he’s your father, not mine.”

  “He is yours, he adopted you as his own,” he pointed out, as if I needed reminding of what Jaspen considered a most generous act. “And besides, Father told me and Irina we had a fortnight to wed once she came to stay with me,” he said, and I growled in annoyance. “Yes, our reaction too. Until, well until what happened, happened. I think it’s time I share with you what occurred before my marriage.”

  I tested the string on the sleek, dark bow I chose, then slung it over my body, picking up a quiver of arrows. “Something miraculous to make you both appear you love each other. All an act for the guests, I’m certain.”

  “We do love each other,” he told me quietly, and when I stared into his eyes, there was no hint of doubt there. Nothing, but true feeling. He loved Irina, more even than he loved Cora before the war. “How about I go hunting with you, and we can talk about it?”

  “Suit yourself.”

  I made for the door, not waiting for him to keep up. I assumed Ezra and Irina had merely decided to move their wedding up to get it over with, but apparently, I was wrong. Jaspen ordered them to get married sooner. Instead of appearing furious about it, they were happy. Truly, and almost unbelievably happy. I would listen to my brother, but in no way did I think his words would change a thing.

  Ezra’s and my booming laughter filled the hall several hours later as Josef happily poured more ale into our mugs.

  I insisted Josef have some for himself as well and joined us at the table. Our fresh kill had turned into late dinner, and a fire roared in the hearth. I almost hated to admit it, but I had not enjoyed a night like this in many, many years. And to have it with Ezra made it all the more astounding. I continually expected him to turn into the horrible brother he was, or to wake up from what had to be a dream. Neither happened, and for the first time in my life, I felt the connection I should have had all this time to my brother.

  “Why don’t you come and visit me in a few days?” Ezra suggested during a quiet lull in the laughter. “Irina would like to meet you. She’s only had the privilege of speaking with Victor. No others came to the wedding.”

  “Probably for the same reason I didn’t, well mostly,” I said with a grimace. “We all dread seeing where we’re going to wind up soon.”

  “Marriage is not all bad,
” he assured me with a soft smile.

  “Oh, no?”

  “No, it’s an adventure, I’ll give you that much, but there’s something about falling asleep with Irina every night, waking with her in my arms. I can’t even explain it.”

  “Sounds pleasant.”

  “Far more than just pleasant, brother. Far more indeed.” His face darkened as he stared into the flames. “I almost lost her, saw her bloodied and beaten and it tore me apart inside. She killed to save my life, Holden, Irina who never killed anyone before. We’ve all been through so much these last few years, even the daughters of Alric. If you worry about what she might to do you, all I can say is give her a chance.”

  I could tell he wasn’t going to leave until I agreed to do so. “I promise to do my best.”

  “Good, that is all I can ask for.” He clapped me on the shoulder as he stood. “I should be getting back, but promise you’ll come?”

  “I will be there,” I said, standing with him.

  “Good. And Holden?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Thank you for not attempting to shoot me in the back while we hunted.” He winked.

  I found myself laughing again as he tapped his fingers to his forehead in farewell and walked through my home toward the armory and the mirror that would take him back to Envy, his kingdom. I resumed my seat, running my finger along the rim of my mug.

  “Whatever you’re thinking just say it,” I muttered to Josef.

  “Nothing at all, sire,” he told me, “but I will admit you seem in quite a good mood.”

  “Do I not usually?”

  “Eh, no, not usually. You are going to visit him, yes?”

  “I said I will, so I will. You’ll tend to the hounds while I’m away on this visit?”

  He bowed his head. “As always.”

  I pondered over Ezra’s invitation, thinking back to the curious look I saw in his eyes. My brother was playing nice, and though I sensed he was truthful in all he said, there was more to this visit than just meeting Irina.

  “And your future wife?”

  I growled quietly as I mumbled, “What of her?”

  “Do you wish to reply to her letters?”

  “I don’t have them anymore.”

  Josef tilted his head back and forth, then nodded. “You do, sire, I held onto them for you. They’re in your room.”

  I had taken each one Hollis brought, but did not open them. I told Josef to burn them, but it appeared he was not as trustworthy as I assumed. “I will take care of it when I return,” I stated roughly, cutting off any argument. “I’ll see you in the morning,” I told Josef and after draining my ale, strolled slowly through the castle and toward my chambers.

  I closed and locked my door, the candles and hearth already lit, and a steaming bath waiting for me. How that demon always managed to take care of what I needed without my even having to ask still amazed me. I hadn’t even known I was going to come upstairs yet, but here was the bath waiting for me all the same. I tugged my shirt off over my head and kicked out of my boots, purposely avoiding the small mirror hanging on the opposite wall. I knew far too well what my scars looked like. Most days, I felt them, clothing always making matters a bit uncomfortable where it rubbed. My back was a roadmap of pain, some of it from the war.

  Some of it… some of it from myself, though most of those scars were along my sides and arms. I never let anyone, not even Josef, see me without a shirt. The rest were from a time when I expected to die.

  I stepped gingerly into the hot water, wincing at first from the heat, then slid down into it. It soothed my muscles from the hard day of training hounds and hunting, surrounding me in steam and warmth. The discomfort from my scars faded away in the water, one of the reasons I enjoyed a bath every night. It wasn’t enough to keep me from tossing and turning all night, but it helped make it more comfortable, at least. So many thoughts rattled around inside my head. In the water, they drifted away and let me be. Most of them.

  Ezra’s story stayed with me, all he had been through since Irina came into his life. He told me about their fighting and how they’d nearly killed each other that night in the hall where they were just wed. How she’d used her powers to ease his pain and suffering, to save him. How she saved him again from being killed and then how he’d realized that though these weddings seemed to be the decision of Jaspen, he felt as if he was fated to be with Irina.

  And then, there was William. I couldn’t believe he had been alive all this time and gone after Irina, all because of who her father was. I held no one’s parentage against them, not even my future wife’s, whoever she was. None of us chose our parents. I certainly did not choose to be the son of Edaline and the demon head of her personal guard. But here I was.

  When Mother was killed during the war, it had destroyed me inside, and I’d expected Jaspen to finally give the order he’d been wanting to give all this time. The order to take my head and rid himself of a troubling son, not even his own flesh and blood.

  Instead, he’d come to me and said there’d been too much loss of life. Edaline had been my mother, and though he had not been the greatest of fathers, he would continue to look out for me, for her sake. Despite his and Edaline’s fighting over the years, they had truly been destined to be together. I saw his undying love for her on the night he told us about our arranged marriages. I thought of him and Mother, of Ezra and Irina. They had found their love, their soulmate.

  But I did not want someone so close to me. Knowing what I was thinking before I even did. Being there at night and waking with me in the morn. Knowing all I’d gone through in this world and feeling pity for me. Ezra was a loud brute, but I was the silent one who needed no one. Wanted no one. When I spoke, it was to give orders, and that was all. I did not converse, though tonight I had with Ezra, of all beings.

  “A wife,” I whispered to the ceiling as I rested my head back on the edge of the tub. “What am I to do with a wife?”

  I would be responsible for her, making her happy and keeping her safe. I growled, not about to play guardian of some weak, pathetic goddess who couldn’t even hold a sword. Disgrace was a rough kingdom, all demons and a few witches. All were accustomed to the wilderness that stretched from one end of my domain to the other, reaching the pit near the cliff at the farthest reaches. What goddess could ever come here and call this place her home?

  What goddess would ever look at me with love in her eyes?

  I growled harsher and sunk even lower into the water, hating myself for even caring. She’d come here, we’d wed, and we could both go about our lives as normal. There never be any real need for interaction. It was the best I could hope for. I was much better off alone with my hounds.

  3

  Gabriella

  “Why must you insist on always wearing those furs?”

  I laughed as I spread out my cloak on the bed of the guest room I would be staying in at Irina’s new home in Envy. “Where I come from it’s cold, remember? And I’m a demi. I get cold.”

  “Yes, well, it’s not cold down here.”

  “Please, do not force me into a dress. That is the last thing I want to be wearing.”

  “You wear dresses.”

  “Yes, when meeting with Alric or dealing with other special occasions, not every day.” I gave my head a hard shake. “They’re so restricting, and you can hardly fight in them.”

  “You won’t be fighting here!”

  “Says you,” I argued. “You never know when something will go wrong. It’s always better to be prepared.”

  “Yes, and is that why you’re walking around with what, two daggers?”

  I gave her a sheepish smile as I coughed and said, “Four.”

  “By the gods, Gabby, you’re safe here. Why do you feel the need to be so armed? You’re almost as bad as Meris, some days.”

  “Am not. She’s armed because she insists on starting brawls. I’m armed… just because.”

  I nearly told her the truth but would kee
p it to myself for now. She wanted me to come and visit, and I was, but I hadn’t wanted to. I’d been content to remain in my cabin in the woods and come at a much later date. Until that dream; it drove me away from my home. I was worried Tori was going to show up on my doorstep for real and then what? Years ago, I convinced myself she was dead. No word ever came of her demise, or of her living. A daughter could hope, could she not?

  “Gabby? You do remember I sense emotions, yes?” Irina took hold of my arm.

  “It’s nothing, swear it.”

  She picked up another dagger from my leather and fur travel bag and waved it back and forth. “Five daggers. You can’t tell me it’s nothing.”

  “I came down here to relax and spend time with my sister,” I reminded her. “So let’s go do something, relax, have some fun. And maybe you can tell me again how this whole arranged marriage isn’t going to be the death of me.”

  “Is that why the ever optimist Gabriella seems to be wavering lately?”

  I slipped my arm through hers as we left the room, wandering through the castle and out to the gardens. “It may have something to do with it,” I finally admitted. It was half the truth, at least. My sisters knew very little of my mother, and I hoped to keep it that way. “I’m ready to take on this next adventure, but it appears Prince Holden is a bit more… reluctant than Ezra.”

  Irina was nodding along with my words, but her grin said she was up to something. She held a purple dahlia in her hand, smelling it.

  “What did you do?”

  “Me? I didn’t do a thing? How do you like the gardens? Aren’t they wonderful?”

  “Yes, lovely. Irina, what did you do?” I repeated.

  “Have a little faith in your older sister.”

  I rolled my eyes, praying for patience, mumbling the words under my breath.

  “I believe Grundle is away on holiday at the moment,” Irina told me helpfully.

  “Doesn’t mean I can’t pray to him anyway.”

  Growing up, Irina had never been one for scheming of any kind. She did her duty, was quiet and polite, but since meeting Ezra, she’d changed.